Love – no cliches please

In yesterdays Yoga Sutra class, Saurabh gave the closest definition of what love REALLY is.

The first Yama – Ahimsa.

He said if you do not hurt, harm, injure or kill someone that is love, or as the texts call it – ahimsa.

This basically goes on to say that if you practice ahimsa in your relationship with a person, then you love them.

We generally hurt those people who we claim to love the most. We load them with so many expectations and in the process hurt and harm them as well as ourselves.

We generally do not expect so much from the people who were are socially connected to otherwise like friends, teachers or other acquaintances. Hence we do not have a sour time in dealing with them.

This also makes me wonder, have we truly accepted these or are we ignorant about this aspect because we do not feel a sense of power via expectations over them?

Bollywood hasn’t helped because it has always portrayed some kind of psychosis as love – jealousy, anger, the need to possess the person or extreme sexual attraction.

We as a community need to pause and think about what love means to us.


How I Discovered I Am A Demisexual

For a long time, I thought I was asexual. Not that I had not felt sexually attracted to anyone, but felt attraction only to two people until now. I am 25.

I thought maybe I tried myself into believing that I was attracted to the two people who were my previous boyfriends. Or maybe puberty did not hit me hard enough.

Now think of the person/ film star/ personality who you think is hot. And imagine no dirty thought passes your mind. Okay, this does not have to be a celebrity. Just imagine thinking of any man you think is hot and sexy and not being able to fantasize about him. I think Shah Rukh Khan and Milind Soman are the hottest guys on the planet. But I cannot fantasize about them, ever. Nor could I ever fantasize about any other guy who I ever thought was good enough to qualify as my boyfriend.

I am a demisexual. That is the word for people who develop sexual attraction only with whom they share an emotional bond. I discovered this after coming across an article from Vice. And this article was the answer to every doubt I had about my sexuality.

Maybe other people associate demisexuality with more aspects to the definition than what I associate it with. I associate it with being attracted to my second boyfriend who I dated for five years and the third boyfriend. Our relationship barely lasted for a month, but we had a strong emotional connect. I have never even been attracted to the first guy I dated when I was 17. I know for a fact, that the next person who I feel sexually attracted to, will be only after I have shared a) an emotional bond with him b) have romanced him non-sexually.

While a lot of people would simply think that this is too utopian to be believable, it is true. I have tried getting sloshed with different groups of people; I still would not feel attracted to men in that high. Nor would any kind of touch be good enough for me to good enough for me to feel sexual without the prerequisite of me having an emotional bond with the man. While I have a lot of friends having all kinds of sexual orientations, preferences and fetishes, most think I have a virginal aura because I do not feel attraction towards men and do not have as much to talk about my encounters as much as they do.

While being an adventurous person in life, I am mostly a listener when it comes to adventures in bed.

A lot of people think it is boring to be the way I am. I personally feel that being demisexual, I do not waste a lot of time and energy in making friendships and relationships out of sexual desires. I save up a lot in the long run as I can put this energy to use to focus on work/ play. No energy leaks. No playing games to get into bed, or being played with either. I also feel that my relationships have been extremely meaningful and sexual attraction was just an extension of the relationship. I believe sex is sacred and my kind of sexual orientation makes it easier to maintain the sanctity.

Needless to say, I have never felt the need to explore how dating apps or the dating game works. I am so happy and content with the way everything has turned out for me. My demisexuality has been a blessing and I am going to treasure it for the precious thing that it is.
This article was also published on Feminism in India